the primal wound

Nichole Helm, from Edmond, Oklahoma. A struggling 43-year-old writer who has a passion for writing articles. She also likes to write about Mental Health Issues that plague many of us and we have no idea how to help ourselves.She want to be of use to others and let them know whatever they are suffering from or having problems with that they are not alone.Her story begins at a very young age despite the powerlessness she had no control over what and who was in my life. We were like blank chalkboards in our early years. Our parents and others in our lives fill our chalkboards for us.

Everyone we encounter leaves a piece of them to form who we are. It took me many years to figure out that the negative origin of my life was affecting my current behavior. The very first relationship we develop is in the womb. According to psychologist and author Dr. Jonice Webb, emotional neglect happens when a parent fails to respond to a child’s emotional needs.The minute we are born if our mother does not respond to our emotional needs, we know something is missing. Therefore, leaving us feeling neglected and alone as we grow up that emotional neglect sticks around, and we build from it. In fact, the number of children who have been exposed to adoption or foster care already has the stage set for them to have anxiety, depression, and attachment issues. Pre- and post-natal trauma is confined to the memory of the fetus and that means the child grows up with a predisposition for sadness. My predisposing was set by my biological mother. She only kept me for six months before she decided to illegally sell me for an apartment and a car. Taking me to an attorney’s office and asking him to help her. The secretary at that office was a good friend of my mother (the one that put the hard work and tears into my life.) She knew my mom had been looking to adopt a baby girl. I was at her home that very evening. My biological mother had three other children whom she kept and somewhat raised. Being the only child given up for adoption defiantly gave me a complex that there was something wrong with me. Of course, I knew nothing about these siblings or that they even existed until later in life. I did however always know I was adopted. My parents started to tell me at a young age because it seems I always knew. It didn’t really disturb me in childhood. I just knew I was different from my brothers because Mom and Dad paid money for me.

The fact that trauma changes an individual's brain chemistry and functioning causing those who have experienced adoption or some separation anxiety, is true. Nancy Verrier, author of “The Primal Wound,” explains the effects of adoptee relinquishment trauma. As we grow up, we try to soothe our own imbalance of our chemistry caused by trauma by using drugs and alcohol. In this case, I too turned to drugs and alcohol and that is where things in my life and those around me turn to shit. “Heal me, long-expected love, heal me that I may continue, renew, release, let me begin again without this fault that bears me down.”-

Thornton Wilder (The angel that traveled the water) I have remained in constant turmoil most of my life with questions that get unanswered. Why am I unlovable? Why do I struggle to find my identity? And why do I need to have substances to feel okay? Most addicts live with unimaginable pain every day. Pain with no self-respect or self-love, but riddled with guilt and shame. They are judged and made to be social outcasts. Which does nothing to help hope for sobriety.

If more focus was put on the causing factors of addiction and those were to be treated. There might be an improved rate of addicts staying sober. The first thing the addict would realize is that they are not defective. They are not bad. Guilt and shame only intensify addiction. We have to learn to be okay with who we are and where we come from. This did not happen to me at a Rehab or Detox center. It was not until I started Therapy that I started to realize there was nothing wrong with me as a person. I was not defective. My thinking was distorted, and I had no sense of self-worth. This was not my fault. It was one of those predispositions that I received as a child and as I got older my fears and distorted thinking intensified that negative thinking. The fact is there is hope out there. My saving grace has been my ability to have hope. So I want to offer hope to others because hope sustains life. You no longer have to escape from some inner war of self-destruction you think you deserve. Although many circumstances influence a decision to change, there is an internal factor. That when a person is ready to change, they will. When you can find the right Therapist and start on some cognitive therapy. You being to open up and realize most of the things from your past can be forgiven. The things you have been holding on to; you can let go of. You can learn to find yourself again. You can love the person on to; you can let go of. You can learn to find yourself again. You can love the person you find. And start to live a healthy happy life free of addiction. This was my hope for myself and is my hope for those who still suffer.

By Nichole Helm